There isn't a really good reason why that is, but.. overall, it just sucked.
I'm friends on fb with a guy named carl. Carl was once very special in my life. He is, in fact, the one that got away. I'm not sure if he knows that, but I suspect he does. I don't know. Maybe he doesn't.
Anyway. Carl talks to me on FB chat, and that's cool. But he mostly does it when he is drinking. we talk in email at other times, but the just for fun, chatting, that happens when he's been drinking. And then comes the innuendo. I don't think he knows that it actually hurts me. What I hear is:
"You are good enough to chat with, especially when I'm drinking. But you aren't good enough to meet my family."
Now. I should say that I'm happy for him that he has a beautiful wife, with a beautiful house , and beautiful kids.. and while I kind of wish that he had those things with ME I do not in any way take away from what he does have. Does that make sense? I don't know. Maybe he can't meet me.. I don't know. I could be over reacting... not that I do that ever.
Then there is Brandon.. fucking god damned brandon. The second biggest mistake of my life was making that call to him. So what if my marriage was in shambles. So the fuck what. If i could change anything.. making that call wouldn't be what I changed, but.. it's a close second. For a year it was over. For MONTHS there was no contact. Then he had to email me on FB.. he wondered if I thought about it. If I wanted to think about it more. I told him no.. for almost two weeks I was downright hostile. But as I knew, and as he likely knew, I finally came around.. and that's when he decided to stop talking to me. HEY DOUCHEBAG. I'M GLAD I COULD BOOST YOUR EGO FOR YOU.
But the result is, here I am, sitting in the dark, alone. Thinking about how Carl didn't want me. Brandon just wanted me to blow him. He didn't even fucking LIKE me. Doesn't. How Chuck doesn't care enough to actually CARE about anything, about how Ed lied - when btw, I was SURE he'd never lie to me. (He lied by omission, albiet).
Why should I even CARE about what Carl did or does.
Why should it bother me that people don't like Brandon.
Chuck. Last but not least. Just givethat up already. That ship has sunk, not sailed. It's over.
I am lonely. I am fat. And the only people that are even remotely interested in me are douchebags who remember the sex - or married guys who want something on the side.
god. I want to sit down and eat like a whole cake right now. Fuck.